What is it like being a working father in the sex industry? Probably not as you think. Two dads tell all.
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Remember last Father’s Day? What comes to your mind? I see a lot of green plaid, sportsballs of various kinds, scotch and gifted neckties. It’s an interesting phenomenon, Father’s Day, as we don’t have easy, obvious gender norms to guide us in the celebratory process. Mothers of course get breakfast in bed, cards, flowers, and taken out to dinner, all things that are marketed to us as the limited methods by which we can thank women for their emotional labour. But what do fathers get? Men are supposed to be stoic, DIY fellows who earn the money and take care of the family, right? The gender bias is strong in both holidays.
This made me think about another area of strong gendered stereotypes. I’ve read pieces about sex working mothers, but rarely do we talk about sex working men, much less sex working fathers. I was curious to hear what it was like to be seen by society as a primary breadwinner and dear old dad… while also booking clients in a job often portrayed as exclusively for women.
I asked Miles Previtire, a bearded man who advertises himself as a “cocky husband” and “young dad”, and Legendary Dave, one of the top male escorts in the US and a father, what their experiences were around parenting, sex work, and assumptions. Both of them advertise openly on male escort site Rentboy.com.
Society tends to believe that sex workers make unfit parents, often because of stigma. How would you say being a sex worker has impacted your parenting, if at all?
Miles: I can’t say my profession in this industry, or any other, has ever had a notable impact on my parenting in terms of capabilities or parenting methods, nor can I say it has it affected my children in any direct manner. Children and young adults are typically bored with discussion about their parents work lives. They’re understandably self-absorbed. Growing up, I didn’t care what my parents were doing at work. Just so long as they went.
I will tell you my current profession did require a brief discussion with both my teenagers (I have a son and daughter), while my prior career fields didn’t warrant an explanation of any sort. But we’ve always maintained a very healthy candor with each other about all things, including sex so it wasn’t really a landmark event when it happened. Besides, kids are so influenced by social media. Based on my online presence, they think I’m a rock star. I’m a young parent, which makes it easier for them to open up to me and, in turn, easier for me to remember exactly how it felt to be their age. There’s nothing we don’t talk about. It’s so great. We are a lot alike in so many ways it’s uncanny. Especially the boy. Poor guy.
Dave: Well, it’s certainly created a greater degree of secrecy between myself and my kids. All parents have things they keep from their children, and before escorting, I would have said I had some – but definitely fewer than most. I raised my kids with open discussions of sexuality and drugs. Our family’s skeletons were not kept in the closet. And we’ve had open and frank talks about crime and mental illness in society. These topics are often dodged by parents, for example, when parents don’t want their children knowing about their own drug use. I’ve shared info like that with age-appropriateness. But when it came to escorting, I did not. So it has affected my parenting in that I now have a huge secret from my son and daughters.
On another level, escorting has helped me to become a better person… Which, in turn, has led me to be a better parent. My own parents have told me (they know what I do) that after I started working in this industry, I became more calm. I think I’ve picked up other qualities, too – like patience, better listening skills, greater integrity, and intuition. These all came from regularly being in completely unpredictable situations – with people from different classes, ethnicities, culture groups, races, genders, countries, occupations, and sexual interests – and I would assert most escorts either sink or swim in such an environment. Those of us that succeed in it inevitably learn skills that can be applied elsewhere.
It’s odd, but in many ways, escorting is like parenting. Sex workers can be dealing with people who are self centered, impatient, and needy. They may need to look beyond the surface to focus on the essence of a person… whether it’s snotty noses or sagging skin, they realize that those are just superficialities of someone. And just like children, clients often respond well to being taught new things, being listened to, and being held.
Did you get into sex work before or after being a parent? If you could do it over, would you?
Miles: I’m pretty sure I’ve been an adult entertainer since the day I was born, but I became a father long before I decided to make a formal career out of it. It was a methodical and fastidious path that led me to this field..I was at the peak of a career in capital medical equipment sales. I walked away from it with the intent of getting as far from corporate America as possible. Escorting seemed like a fair distance. I had toyed with the idea for years. Joked about it, really. I’m not sure if I thought I’d ever actualize those ideas. At least not to this degree. I certainly never anticipated the level of success I’ve reached. But I am glad that I have. If I could do it over again, I’d make the exact same moves. I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, no, that’s not true…if I could do it over, I’d have altered the spelling of my last name so it ended with an “i” instead of an “e”.
Dave: I got into it after becoming a parent. I absolutely have no regrets. However, I got into it by choice, and it’s been tremendously rewarding. I can’t speak for my sex worker brothers and sisters who work out of coercion or necessity – I want to be careful not to glamorize the industry, as different people’s experiences can run the gamut from exhilaration to mental and physical abuse, including rape and death. But for me, 99 percent of it has either been exciting, educational, ecstatic, or insightful. I’ve learned a ton about people – including myself.
Do your children know? If so, how did you tell them and how did they respond? If not, do you think you’ll ever talk to them about it?
Miles: Oh, they know. (laughs) My son found me first. Thanks to the wonders of social media. Don’t ask me the ins and outs of it all, but apparently, he found out from a friend (a 14 year old) who was following me on Twitter. I know…right? Where are his fucking parents? And why do Twitter and Facebook have to make suggestions of who to follow. Irritating.
Anyway, the friend calls my son into his bedroom and says. “Luke, check it out…look…it’s your dad!”
My son doesn’t miss a beat. Looks it over and says, “Well that’s weird…”
The friend says, “Yeah I know, right? Your dad’s in porno!”
Luke says, “No…you’re following him!”
Dave: I have not told my children, but that’s not because of shame. I’m proud of my work, as anyone would be who has been able to enhance and enrich other people’s lives. However, from a moral perspective, I feel my kids are too young to have the knowledge that their dad’s a hooker. When they’re older, I will definitely tell them. I don’t want to burden them with holding a secret right now, and I think people who are sharing news that is controversial have to be emotionally mature enough to handle the reactions that may ensue. When my kids are older and more mature, they will be told. Of course, that may become another challenge, what with questions like, “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
What question about being an escort and a dad do you wish you’d never get asked again?
Miles: I haven’t had the opportunity to develop a pet-peeve with respect to that yet. Until now, I’ve never discussed parenting as pertaining to escorting. And all of these questions were great.
Dave: I can’t think of a single one. I love being a dad, I love being an escort, and I love the sharing of information. I come from the perspective that no question is a bad question. So it’s hard to be irritated when things are asked.
On the other hand, I have been asked things like “What are their names?” and “Where do they go to school?” Neither one of those get fully answered, as I want my children to remain anonymous with regards to the sex work industry.
What’s your favourite Father’s Day memory?
Miles: When is father’s day again??
Dave: It sounds cliche, but those handwritten or hand-drawn gifts are amongst the most precious to me. I’m not especially sentimental, but I’ve saved all that stuff year after year.
Anything else you want to share?
Miles: Yeah, actually…since it’s on my mind right now… Luke…stay off the Twitter!! Twitter bad!!!
Dave: About my kids? Well, only that in my eyes, they’re in the group of “most incredible people on this planet.” I’m so lucky to have them.
Photo: Flickr/Men Pop
The post True Confessions of Sex Worker and Male Escort Dads appeared first on The Good Men Project.